How do I know if my child is saved?
I like to call it my “dadiversary” — on Nov. 10, I can celebrate eight years of being a parent. Hooray for me!
In every other thing I’ve done in my life, after a few years, I felt pretty good at my job. Parenting is not that way. Maybe that’s because the job changes so much over time: Nowadays I spend less time changing diapers and more time analyzing LEGO instruction books. Maybe that’s because the task is so weighty: If I design a lousy a newspaper page, nobody remembered it by the next day; if I mess up a website, I can probably fix it before anybody even notices; but if I screw up my kids, the consequences are more dire.
But I think the biggest reason why parenting is tough—maybe impossible—to master is that you’re really never done. I love to check things off. At the office we manage projects with software that breaks them down into individual tasks that you assign to somebody and when it’s done, you check it as “complete,” and you get a little cartoon unicorn or something that zips across the screen and makes you feel magical. At home, I use my Reminders app on my phone so I can check off when I’ve taken out the garbage or fed the sourdough starter every week.
But I don’t have a box to check for “raise kids who love Jesus.” I can’t even break that down into a list of subtasks — it’s just kind of “everything, all the time, who knows.” And there’s no moment in time I can point to and check the box and say, “Whew, that’s done; on to the next thing.”
This is frustrating! When you’re potty training, you have that moment to look forward to when your kids “get it.” Later, you give your kid that last push on their two-wheel bike and they finally manage to stay upright and keep it going on their own as the camera goes into soft focus and tinkly Hallmark Hall of Fame music plays … We want that moment spiritually, don’t we? I do. I’d love to be able to prick their finger or swab their cheek or whatever and the little paper turns green to show that yes, your child has tested positive for saving faith in Jesus. Whew, that’s done, on to the next thing.
Since I started my job as children’s ministry director, I’ve been captivated by the question, “How do I know for sure my kid is saved?” I’ve Googled it. I’ve asked some really smart people. I’ve looked in Scripture. Here is the hopeful answer: You don’t.
That doesn’t sound hopeful, does it? You don’t! You never know for sure! The test is never going to turn green for you! This doesn’t sound like good news. But it does sound like hope. Hebrews 11 says “faith is the conviction of things not seen,” and Romans 8 says “hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.” The hope we have as believers is not a watered-down substitute for certainty; it is certainty, decoupled from our eyes. Assurance without evidence. Patience without a deadline.
So, fine, this meets the definition of “hopeful” but it’s not very reassuring! It doesn’t lift my spirits as a parent to know that I’m never going to get logical, green-paper certainty that my kids are going to heaven. But think about this: Do I have scientific proof that I am saved? No. What I have is faith. Assurance without evidence. And my assurance is grounded in the same person whom I’m trusting with my kids. If I can trust Jesus with my soul, then I can trust Him with theirs.
Does this mean I just trust God and let Jesus take the wheel and don’t need to take any action on my own? No! Does it mean my kids are inscrutable golems and I’ll never know what they believe so there’s no sense trying to figure it out? Nope, although “you inscrutable golems” may be something I’ve muttered to my kids in frustration a time or two.
If I believe in Jesus, if I really believe the gospel is true, then why wouldn’t I be proclaiming and preaching and living it out to my family, those I love dearest? So yes, we still are expected to teach and train our kids to know and love God, but not out of anxiety or compulsion, but rather out of love for God and for them and out of joy and gratitude over what Christ has done for us. And if you’re doing something out of love, you never want to be done. If you feel like you’ve done enough to show love for your spouse, for example, and you want to check that box as “done,” well … there’s probably a rude awakening in store for you. Likewise, because I will never stop loving Jesus or my kids, I will never stop wanting to show Him to them.
And God is gracious—He doesn’t just leave us flailing in the dark on this. There are milestones and beacons that can shed light on how our kids are doing spiritually. These are outward signs of what’s going on inside, and it’s easy to get hung up on wanting to see those outward signs, but the important thing is what’s happening inside. My kids are eight, eight and five. I have next to no firsthand experience of this. I am learning it with you. Here’s what I’ve got so far.
First, kids who are starting to understand the gospel begin to show grief over their sins. My kids do not have an instinct toward remorse or repentance. When they are in trouble, they beg to get out of the consequences; when they hurt each other, they mutter a flagrantly insincere “I’m sorry” and carry on. But I think all of us can remember, as a child, feeling bad about what we did not because we were going to get in trouble, but we just knew it was bad. There are glimmers of that in my older kids. Sometimes they grieve their sin and not the consequence. That’s a milestone. To be honest, I think I short-circuit this lesson in my kids by going to consequences too quickly. When they act up or disobey, I’m so motivated to teach them to obey that I don’t give time or space for them to feel the wrong they’ve done. I need to allow time for remorse and not train them to immediately defend their case.
My kids are taking tiny, meandering steps toward understanding the gospel, and one of them is to show grief over their sins. Yours will get there too as you leave room for the Holy Spirit to lead them that way. That is really hard. I would love for my kids to believe that I will know every time they do something bad and they will pay the consequences. But that doesn’t foster conviction, it just trains them to be sneaky. I can’t train my kids not to sin, but I can teach them to hate sin and seek to kill it (Colossians 3).
Another helpful sign is when your kids show an appetite for God’s presence. This doesn’t just mean they “like being at church,” as much as I like that part. How much do they enjoy and desire learning about God? Do they love singing songs to God? Do they willingly pray — not with recited words but as if they expect someone to be on the other end listening? Do they want you to pray for them? Do they find joy in hearing, understanding and retelling God’s story?
Incidentally, these two things together form the front doorsteps to the gospel. We are made to be with God, to enjoy His presence. Our sin prevents that. A kid who wants God to be with them but understands their sin is most definitely ready to grasp the grace of their Savior. That’s where you can put the fullness of the gospel in front of a child and have confidence they will understand it. What a moment!
As kids grow in faith, then you’ll see a third milestone start to emerge: the fruit of the Spirit. Kids with the Holy Spirit in them show love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. But these are difficult to discern because many kids are driven by obedience and a desire to please. How do you differentiate “Spirit-led peace” from “choosing not to fight with my brother because I’ll get grounded”?
This is where the challenge comes back on us parents. You recognize the Spirit moving in kids because you know their personalities and where their earthly self might take them. You see the Spirit moving because you’re there to witness the moments that they’re not aware of anyone watching. And you see the Spirit moving because young kids generally are their most real selves around their parents. Have you ever marveled when other adults tell you what well-behaved good listeners your kids are? And you wonder why you never see that child at home?
This is discipleship. As you love with your kids in their most real selves, comfort, trust and detailed knowledge develop. And with those as lenses, you start to focus in on the moments where the Spirit of God is moving in your kids. Nobody else can see this. Only a parent who is seeing and praying for their kids.
And yes, you are never done. But God is not going to hold you accountable for whether your kids accept Jesus. We are called to show and teach Him to them. What our kids do with that is up to them, and the Holy Spirit. The only real “task” we have in all this is to trust Him. That’s how we get saved — “by grace through faith,” Ephesians 2:8 — and it is literally only on that foundation that anything meaningful can be done for our kids. Trust God. This will stretch and strain your faith, which is the only way for it to get stronger. And you will not go through this alone. You are part of a congregation of believers who are deeply invested in your family’s spiritual growth. We are here to support and challenge you. It’s not just because I work here that I say “you will not pull this off alone.”
Speaking of not being alone, I encourage you to prayerfully talk this over with your spouse or other caring adults who know you and your kids well. When have you seen your kids show signs of developing faith? If nothing comes to mind or your kids are too young, can you dream about how you might see God working in them in the future? Talk this over and write some things down, either what you have seen or hope to see in your kids that shows you they’re beginning to grow in faith. Let God develop in you a vision for kids who love Him.