Helping without Hurting
As we have been working through the book of Proverbs this winter, we have noted how Proverbs calls us to purposeful action in the pursuit of wisdom. Each week, the pursuit of wisdom is emphasized with phrases like incline your heart, listen to me, hear my words, hold fast, and be attentive. What is the result of this pursuit? Not the random accumulation of facts but a transformed heart and life. This means that the wisdom we gain through purposeful pursuit it to be lived out in the everyday spaces of our lives and our relationships. One of the most important things that wisdom positions us to do, is to help others without hurting them or others in the process.
In their book Boundaries[1], Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend provide helpful insights into the importance of helping others in a way that is both healthy and sustainable. They emphasize that true generosity involves maintaining clear boundaries to avoid harming yourself or the person you are helping. This balance this takes is essential for fostering growth, both in yourself and others.
One of their core principles is the distinction between helping and enabling. We are cautioned against rescuing others from the natural consequences of their actions, as doing so can hinder their personal growth. “Rescuing a person from the natural consequences of their behavior,” they write, “enables them to continue in irresponsible patterns.” True love and care involve allowing others to face the outcomes of their choices while offering support in ways that encourage responsibility.
Cloud and Townsend also stress the importance of giving out of freedom rather than obligation. They argue that helping others should stem from genuine love and a desire to give, rather than guilt, fear, or pressure. They assert, “If your giving is not leading to joy and freedom, then you are probably giving for the wrong reasons.” When you feel coerced into helping, you risk depleting your emotional, physical, or financial resources, which ultimately benefits no one. The only way we can give out of freedom is if we feel the freedom to say no. While we might think of saying no with selfishness, they present a different perspective: “A boundary is a limit that defines what is me and what is not me.” By saying no when necessary, you protect your time, energy, and resources, ensuring that you can offer meaningful help when it truly matters. This act of boundaries prevents burnout and resentment, which can damage relationships in the long run.
Finally, we are to be aware of our own limits. Everyone has limits (physical, mental, emotional, and financial) overextending yourself can lead to resentment and exhaustion, rendering you ineffective in both helping others and can even lead to damaging personal consequences. Here is how they say it, “We must set limits in order to love well.” Recognizing and respecting your limitations ensures that your acts of kindness remain sustainable and impactful.
Ultimately, they teach that healthy boundaries are essential for loving others well without losing yourself in the process. By giving out of freedom, saying no when needed, and encouraging growth, you can help others in ways that empower them while preserving your own well-being. This balance not only enhances relationships but also reflects the example of love and accountability modeled by God. These are some of the same nuggets of wisdom that are on offer in Proverbs. So, let us purposefully pursue wisdom and apply it to our lives.
[1] Henry Cloud and John Townsend, Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 1992), 89.