Healthy Boundaries – Healthy Identity
Honoring others is a core ethical principle that we find in the Bible. That is, honoring those in my everyday life is a normal way for a Christian to live. Here are a handful of ways the Bible expresses this idea.
- Exodus. 20:12 – “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you.
- 1 Peter 2:7 – “Honor everyone. Love the brotherhood. Fear God. Honor the emperor.”
- Luke 10:27 – “And he answered, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind, and your neighbor as yourself.”
- James 2:8 – “If you really fulfill the royal law according to the Scripture, “You shall love your neighbor as yourself,” you are doing well.”
- Philippians 2:3 – “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.”
- Galatians 5:14 – “For the whole law is fulfilled in one word: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.”
- Galatians 6:2 – “Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.”
When we read these verses, our hearts light up and are sincerely inclined towards them. Why? They ignite a desire for what is true, lovely, and noble inside all of us. Because the good God created us, we have a desire to experience and to radiate goodness. That is why we are eager to honor one another in our lives and our communities. However, that work isn’t all that easy, is it? While we are filled with a pure desire, our applications and actions don’t always reflect that pure desire. This work of honoring can quickly get distorted and twisted through our selfishness and insecure identities. This is a struggle for everyone, and we go from having a healthy desire to an unhealthy approach where we think that honoring others means being completely responsible for others. This leads us to micromanagement, manipulation, and even to jealousy through comparison and insecurity. That is why we need healthy boundaries in the noble pursuit of honoring others. In their book Boundaries, Cloud and Townsend discuss how boundaries actually help us establish and live in a healthy sense of identity.
“In the physical world, boundaries are easy to see. Fences, signs, walls, moats with alligators, manicured lawns, and hedges are all physical boundaries. In their differing appearances, they give the same message: THIS IS WHERE MY PROPERTY BEGINS. The owner of the property is legally responsible for what happens on his or her property. Nonowners are not responsible for the property. Physical boundaries mark a visible property line that someone holds the deed to. You can go to the county courthouse and find out exactly where those boundaries of responsibility are and whom to call if you have business there.
In the spiritual world, boundaries are just as real, but often harder to see. The goal of this chapter is to help you define your intangible boundaries and to recognize them as an ever-present reality that can increase your love and save your life. In reality, these boundaries define your soul, and they help you to guard it and maintain it (Prov. 4:23).
Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership. Knowing what I am to own and take responsibility for gives me freedom. If I know where my yard begins and ends, I am free to do with it what I like. Taking responsibility for my life opens up many different options. However, if I do not “own” my life, my choices and options become very limited.
Think how confusing it would be if someone told you to “guard this property diligently, because I will hold you responsible for what happens here,” and then did not tell you the boundaries of the property. Or they did not give you the means with which to protect the property.
This would be not only confusing but also potentially dangerous. This is exactly what happens to us emotionally and spiritually, however. God designed a world where we all live “within” ourselves; that is, we inhabit our own souls, and we are responsible for the things that make up “us.” “Each heart knows its own bitterness, and no one else can share its joy” (Prov. 14:10). We have to deal with what is in our soul, and boundaries help us to define what that is. If we are not shown the parameters, or are taught wrong parameters, we are in for much pain.
The Bible tells us clearly what our parameters are and how to protect them, but often our family, or other past relationships, confuses us about our parameters. In addition to showing us what we are responsible for, boundaries help us to define what is not on our property and what we are not responsible for. We are not, for example, responsible for other people. Nowhere are we commanded to have “other-control,” although we spend a lot of time and energy trying to get it!
We are responsible to others and for ourselves. “Carry each other’s burdens,” says Galatians 6:2, “and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” This verse shows our responsibility to one another. Many times others have “burdens” that are too big to bear. They do not have enough strength, resources, or knowledge to carry the load, and they need help. Denying ourselves to do for others what they cannot do for themselves is showing the sacrificial love of Christ. This is what Christ did for us. He did what we could not do for ourselves; he saved us. This is being responsible “to.”
On the other hand, Galatians 6:5 says that “each one should carry their own load.” Everyone has responsibilities that only he or she can carry. These things are our own particular “load” that we need to take daily responsibility for and work out. No one can do certain things for us. We have to take ownership of certain aspects of life that are our own “load.” The Greek words for burden and load give us insight into the meaning of these texts. The Greek word for burden means “excess burdens,” or burdens that are so heavy that they weigh us down. These burdens are like boulders. They can crush us. We shouldn’t be expected to carry a boulder by ourselves! It would break our backs. We need help with the boulders—those times of crisis and tragedy in our lives. In contrast, the Greek word for load means “cargo,” or “the burden of daily toil.” This word describes the everyday things we all need to do. These loads are like knapsacks. Knapsacks are possible to carry. We are expected to carry our own. We are expected to deal with our own feelings, attitudes, and behaviors, as well as the responsibilities God has given to each one of us, even though it takes effort.
Problems arise when people act as if their “boulders” are daily loads and refuse help, or as if their “daily loads” are boulders they shouldn’t have to carry. The results of these two instances are either perpetual pain or irresponsibility. Lest we stay in pain or become irresponsible, it is very important to determine what “me” is, where my boundary of responsibility is and where someone else’s begins.” [1]
When we honor one another, we need to remember that we are only responsible for ourselves and to others. We can’t control another person’s reactions or responses, only ours. And we can’t carry everyone’s everything. That is unrealistic and, even at times, irresponsible. But, we are called at all times to honor others. If we want to do that in a way that honors God and truly honors others, we will need boundaries.
[1] Cloud, Henry; Townsend, John. Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life (pp. 30-32). Zondervan. Kindle Edition.